Four seasons in one day

We are having exceptionally warm and sunny weather at the moment in the UK. Here in Cornwall its gorgeous. The last 2 days there has been a lot of heat haze out to sea which has affected visibility for ships and photographers. As its a bit clearer today I took the photo above of Drake's island with Plymouth in the background.

Mount Edgecombe Country Park is beautiful but with the current weather and setting it feels quite surreal. You see this morning I was walking with my Mum through woodland bursting with bluebells I could have been in surrey except the sea was the back drop to the view and the temperature felt more like June, some trees were bare others in full leaf. It was like having 4 seasons all at once and all my favourite locations, woodland, the sea side, formal gardens. It is all just too splendid for words.
Above is a picture of me standing next to the bluebells with the sea in the background between the trees! Below are more bluebells. As well as bluebells the grounds have primroses, white bluebells, some of the camellia are still flowering and I even found a couple of simple single roses beginning to flower in the rose gardens. The smell of the bluebells and the cow parsley as you walk through the woods is sublime!
My Uncle and Aunt have now left for home so its just me and my parents now for one more day before we head back home on Saturday. If only I could take the view of the sea from my bedroom window here with me home! I am glad that I came down for a few days, I think some fresh sea air and walking was just what I needed after being unwell in March.

Rame Cornwall

I decided to make the most the wonderful weather we're having at the moment by joining my parents and Uncle and Aunt in Cornwall. My parents have rented a cottage for a week, in the Rame peninsular in Cornwall. The peninsular is south of Plymouth, jutting out from Plymouth sound. The cottage over looks Plymouth Sound and Drake's Island pictured above. The photo was taken from my bedroom window. I have the best views!

We are staying in Mount Edgecombe Country Park, which includes a stately home, formal gardens, woodland and deer park as well as the southwest coastal path and secluded beaches and rocky bays. They're the type of beaches you have to scramble down steep ground to reach. My Dad and uncle have been fishing from our nearest rocky beach. My uncle has had some success whilst my Dad has so far come up empty.

Today we walked to the twin villages of Kingsand and Cawsand which are a couple of miles along the coast. On the way we came across this lovely view of gorse bushes and Cawsand bay in the distance. Below is a picture of Kingsand beach. The shingly beaches were fairly busy with paddling children, kayakers and at Cawsands the ferry which picks up foot passengers and takes them to Plymouth. The ferry comes right on to the beach using a temporary boarding ramp.
Tomorrow I intend to explore the Mount Edgecombe country park gardens and park land. I'be already climbed one of the follies in the grounds.

Snow Ball Me

I've been talking to a few friends recently about mental health stuff and my blog and realised that I haven't written much about mental health on my blog in a long time. That's not to say stuff hasn't been happening as it certainly has.

Those of you new to my blog I started writing about my mental health experiences - that's a new way of putting it! ;-) - about 18 months ago when I had a real rough patch and had some time of work. I've had mental health issues over the last 15 years really on and off and up until 18 months ago only managed to get small amounts of help through medication and paying to see a therapist.

18 months ago I got referred to see a psychiatrist at South West London's St George's hospital and that really turned things round for me. I saw him regularly and attended a 13 week "telling my story" educational recovery course. That was life changing. I wrote a creative piece of writing about "my story" as a final aspect of the course which I put on my blog a year ago.

So much has happened since then its hard to believe that was only a year ago! Interestingly I think my story would be slightly different now if I wrote it, but only slightly. After moving house (twice) last year I had to leave St George's behind and seek out CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) in Bedfordshire. After a nearly 6 month wait I got an appointment to see Amanda who I have been seeing regularly now since November.

I have found the CBT immensely rewarding if not hard work. I was pretty sceptical about it working at first but determined to give it a go. From working with Amanda I worked out that my mood swings and depression all stem from anxiety. I was able to accept that anxiety was the root of all my mental health issues. Yes, I'll always be someone who has mood swings and who feels things very strongly - lets just put that down to an artistic temperament (did I hear someone say diva?) Seriously though I have mood swings but they become very difficult to control when I am anxious and under stress.

I have found it impossible to relax for the last 15 years. Seriously, for 15 years I just could not switch off, I didn't want to even if I could have. I was terrified of letting go of my anxiety. Part of the problem was that I felt as if I had to be super vigilant at all times, vigilant for attack of some sort. It's like post traumatic stress disorder. I just kept re living the stressful times in my life and my body was programmed to be constantly on alert.

I was able to see a big chain which linked everything that was going on inside me together. The anxiety linked to negative thinking reinforcing the anxiety which caused physical symptoms which caused more anxiety which just exhausted me to the point of collapse and depression. I was worn through to the very bottom. I also accepted that outside factors had lead to me getting into this mess and how I dealt with them.

The CBT helps me challenge my feelings and responses to stress and anxiety and although it is hard going to begin with I have found it really works for me. I had to be ready for it, and if I hadn't approached it first through the creative writing therapy I wouldn't have had the success I have experienced now.

My anxiety and depression scores are getting back to normal (my depression score already is!)

It isn't just CBT and medication though, I have had to make real life style changes. I gave up work for a while and now run my own business where I can work part time and take as long as I have to to deliver work. (well within reason.) We've moved out of London and I travel a lot less now. We live somewhere with more space and peace which has really helped and I have a garden now to potter in which is fabulous.

As I have been doing so well and it is over 2 years since I went back on to anti depressants I have over the last 3 months weaned myself off them. It's not been easy as I have also given up caffeine during that time as well! I am beginning to feel the benefits and realities of being off the medication though over the last couple of weeks.

I have started to feel a lot more emotional. The antidepressants always have a kind of numbing affect on me. I tend to not feel bad feelings as strongly but neither do I feel good feelings strongly either. So now its like my banks have burst and I have been feeling all kinds of things lately. It's a bit like being a teenager again! Pretty scary for me at 37.

I've been feeling excited and filled with wonder at things like sunsets and cherry blossom. I've felt quite melancholy and dreamy on other days. Not in a bad way just feeling wistful and sad in a nostalgic kind of way. Maybe its also my hormones, maybe I'm going through a mid life crisis - I want to buy a pair of Doc Martins and be in a band. But importantly at least I want to do something, I want to feel things and I can feel stuff.

So its all a bit overwhelming but in a good way not in an anxious way. I have also found myself day dreaming, something I haven't done for ages, not for years and years. I always used to daydream an awful lot. You know the kind of thing world domination, being in a great band, travelling the world. I told you I feel like a teenager again! I have even written 2 poems today. One of which relates to mental health so I thought who cares, I'll put the rough unedited yet, version of it on my blog. So please be aware that I usually sit on a poem for at least a week until I edit it or discard it. But I haven't written anything resembling a poem for nearly a decade let alone 2 I had to share it! It's not good poetry but it is all my own and expresses how I feel right now and that it what counts. Just be thankful I didn't include the other one which goes on about battling stars and stuff.

Snow Ball Me

My life had become a Picasso painting

of sharp angled blades of weirdness
Elongated and drooling,

a life of nightmare creatures and pain.

"Let's dull the edges" my Drs said
"Lop off a few contorted limbs
Wipe clean the drooling lips.
You won't feel a thing."

I didn't; they set to work
And I was super frozen.
All the sharp quirky angles
Snapped away as brittle, broken.

I became Snow ball me.

As I spun inside my ice cocoon

century's passed, I was frost bitten

& stifled within an ice age within
A SSRI winter hibernation land.

Thaw was all I hung on for,
The time when I could let go
Slip from the cold with out fear
My nightmares deconstructed.

And at last it's here the ice is cracking
Spring is warming & I am emerging
A drenched & bedraggled Dragon fly

Escaping it's watery nest.

I glisten with new feelings
Tender with emotion, long frozen
I am heavy with love
Weightless with delight

I am one single point of feeling
All at once, over and over again
I am tiny yet I stretch on forever,
Fathomless.

sakura

sakura, a photo by Happy Salmon on Flickr.

My new cherry tree has one blossom, one tiny White Sakura flower which is pictured above.

Rookie on the prowl

Rookie on the prowl, a photo by Happy Salmon on Flickr.

Rookie seems to really love my little green house. Here she is prowling around it. I have a glut of tomato plants at the moment some already in the greenhouse the others on the window sill. Anyone want a tomato plant or two? I've just started some chillies and peppers.

Happy Birthday Blog and Me!

Birthday Party

It's my birthday today - I'm just having a quiet day off at home today. Yesterday my parents and brother and nieces visited and we had a tea party to celebrate my nieces's Amelia and Antonia's birthdays and mine of course. It was just an added bonus that it was mother's day so I got to spend it with my Mum as well.

We had an eater egg hunt (a little early but its what they wanted), present opening, played tennis in the garden, blew up balloons and ate far too much! Great fun.

Below is a picture of the beautiful bronze sculpted hare my parents bought me and Jason (his birthday is later in the month.) I saw the sculpture when we were in Dorset on holiday it's by Paul Jenkins as part of the West Country's Frith Sculpture company. They had them in the National Trust shop at Corfe Castle - I hadn't realised that my parents has bought it for me though! Jason had the great idea of placing him half way up the stairs where he looks very happy.

Cheery Tree news

My cherry tree also arrived in time for my birthday - I'd ordered it a few weeks back. Below is a picture of it planted in the garden. Yes those are tights tying it to its small stake! Apparently tights are the best thing to use. We have got a proper big steak to use but we need to put that in the ground with it. I really hope the tree takes, I'll keep you posted on that front.

Dot Cotton moan about my health section

The last few weeks have been odd ones. I was very busy work wise and still not feeling well. Since fainting I've felt a bit rough for a lot of time. Just under the weather, feeling weak and dizzy quite a lot. I have to have another blood test this week as my last one showed low white blood count this time. I can't win, it's either high or too low!

Eye Surgery

I've also been booked in for an eye operation at the end of May to remove scar tissue in my left eye. The scar tissue is left over from the operations to remove cataracts when I was a baby but over the last 10 years the scar tissue has built up into a clump at the lower part of my eye. It seems to be causing me trouble with glare both in the day and at night (from headlamps etc.) as wel as just generally making my vision worse so I actually can't read as much on the eye chart and I've noticed that reading is more difficult for me.

So the operation will remove the scar tissue - its not going to improve my sight dramatically but should if successful make managing stairs and reading a little easier.

Lastly its just over 3 years since I started my blog so I need to wish my blog a very happy 3rd birthday!

Southend and last weeks trip in an ambulance

I'm delivering training for a couple of days in Southend, this evening after training I walked along the sea front and took these pictures of the sun set. They are in reverse order here though!
I really wish I had my proper camera with me but i had to make do with my iPhone.
It's been a funny week really. This time last week I had just been released from A&E. Last Tuesday started out pretty average. I had a bit of a head ache and felt a bit sick after being on the train to London but it wasn't any big deal. I arrived at my meeting with the Met Police at 10:00 the meeting lasted an hour and a quarter. It was just a final evaluation meeting, noting stressful, very easy. My headache was growing worse and I began to feel nauseas so I popped into a cafe near the MPS office in Earls Court. I ordered mint tea and a breakfast. I ate some toast and egg but felt a lot worse.

I decided I needed fresh air so got up but as I walked towards the door I felt a lot worse. Outside I just felt even worse, I couldn't see properly, my head was swimming, I wanted to lie down, my face felt numb, my hands were tingling, I couldn't breath. I tried to call Jason but could hardly speak to him. I felt I would collapse any minute. I told him I'd call an ambulance. I sat on a chair outside the cafe and everything went black. The next thing I can remember I was slumped across the table. I felt like I was going to pass out again and I still couldn't see so I called an ambulance.

I don't know why I didn't ask for help, nobody asked me if I was ok and I must have looked a complete state sprawled out on the table. But hey its London weird stuff happens. I'm sure if I'd collapsed on the floor it would have been different.

The ambulance arrived and I didn't even notice, I was so out of it. The crew were fantastic, they got me on to the ambulance and to sit down. They took my blood pressure which was on the low side so they got me to lie down. within a few minutes of lying down it began to rise ever so slightly. I've never been in an ambulance before. I wish I could remember more of it but I don't, I was so out of it.

At the hospital I remember they said I was the "flat lady" who had to be kept flat. The paramedic assured me that they hadn't said the "fat lady!" I ended up at Kensington and Westminster hospital on Fulham Road. The nurses and Drs were great. I had loads of tests even one of those ECG heart things. Everything seemed normal apart from my blood pressure being on the low side but they then got my blood tests which suggested I had an infection of some kind because my white blood count was up. (though that could have been caused by the stress of fainting.) So after 5 hours I was allowed to go home but had to report to my GP for further tests re my blood pressure and blood work.

Consensus from Drs at hospital and GP is that it is some kind of virus but I have to have further blood tests on Thursday just to make sure. As I have been feeling faint, dizzy, achey and exhausted for about a week. Today I have felt a lot better which is brilliant so I'm really hoping it was just a virus that's clearing up now. I had been feeling pretty run down since February so maybe this was all just because I was a bit run down.

New Garden

Having moved to a new build house in December I am faced with the prospect of starting a garden from scratch. Its daunting and exciting. I'm thinking of playing it slowly, seeing how the garden is through out the year and using pots and tubs to brighten up the garden until next year when I can plan a border. I have lots of ideas but have started small with the brightly coloured tub above and the panda planter below.
I also planted some tomatoes and onions into propagaters for indoors until the weather is better. I'll keep you updated with how the garden grows and develops this year!

Hope for Japan

As regular readers of my blog will know I have been to Japan twice in the last 3 years, in fact it's nearly 3 years since my first trip to Japan and the start of my blog. Japan is a country of such beauty, peacefulness, and calm which is totally contrasted with the breathtaking bustle and business of Tokyo. Words can't really express the shock and sorrow I have felt watching the news of last weeks huge earth quake and tsunami and the destruction and devastation it has caused. On top of this natural disaster is the terrible nuclear crisis at Fukushima.

The picture above is of sakura (cherry blossom) which is a symbol of spring and hope in Japan. My thoughts are with the quietly dignified people of Japan.

Giving up caffeine

Coffee: I love it. A nice cup of tea: I think I may love that more. Chocolate: my favourite thing in the world! I love cola, Dr Pepper, anything fizzy with caffeine in it! So imagine my horror when my GP suggested that I cut out all caffeine. I pointed out to her that I had given coffee up once for about 6 months in the past and it didn't help me.

You see my GP and many medical experts and sensible people know that caffeine is a major trigger for migraine and headaches generally. There is also a lot of evidence that too much caffeine can increase anxiety.

I had been keeping a diary of food, mood, headaches and activities for over a month and my GP surmised from it that I needed to cut out the caffeine, everything this time. Not cut out coffee and make up for it by drinking gallons of tea and consuming buckets of chocolate. This time everything not event green and white tea that contain small amounts of caffeine. Nothing.

What would I do!!! My only enjoyment in life (slight exaggeration) is popping into a coffee shop and having a latte and some chocolate donut or muffin. I couldn't even pop into starbucks or Costa for a hot-chocolate, chai tea or even one of those Starbucks herb infused green tea! What would I do in the summer I had only just learnt about the frappe in the last year and the Surfin Cafe in Biggleswade do a mocha coffee frappe to die for!

But I want to get better. I am sick of being plagued by headaches and anything that might reduce my anxiety is worth a go. I was advised to come off the caffeine gradually so I didn't get any withdrawal symptoms. But after cutting down slightly on the first day I got an almighty headache and I thought blow this for a game of soldiers I'll go cold turkey. So I had 4 days of headaches, feeling grotty like I had a cold and craving coffee, pepsi max, a nice cup of tea.

I had discovered that you can drink redbush tea with milk in it. I'd only ever had it black and usually drinking enough of it instead of normal tea would induce a caffeine deprivation head ache. But now I tried it with milk and it was lovely and really got me through the worst few days of withdrawal. And yes redbush tea is totally caffeine free!

After 9 days of no caffeine most people are officially "clean" from the stuff. I'm on day 14 now and I have noticed some improvements. When I get up in the mornings whether its at the crack of dawn as it was on Monday or after a lie in, I don't feel groggy and my head is far less foggy than it used to be in the morning. I seem to feel more evenly balanced through out the day energy and mood wise. Plus buying a herbal or redbush tea in a cafe is a lot cheaper than a latte! It's too early to tell about the headaches but so far head ache free for a week.

So I think I may stick with this for good.