Snow Ball Me

I've been talking to a few friends recently about mental health stuff and my blog and realised that I haven't written much about mental health on my blog in a long time. That's not to say stuff hasn't been happening as it certainly has.

Those of you new to my blog I started writing about my mental health experiences - that's a new way of putting it! ;-) - about 18 months ago when I had a real rough patch and had some time of work. I've had mental health issues over the last 15 years really on and off and up until 18 months ago only managed to get small amounts of help through medication and paying to see a therapist.

18 months ago I got referred to see a psychiatrist at South West London's St George's hospital and that really turned things round for me. I saw him regularly and attended a 13 week "telling my story" educational recovery course. That was life changing. I wrote a creative piece of writing about "my story" as a final aspect of the course which I put on my blog a year ago.

So much has happened since then its hard to believe that was only a year ago! Interestingly I think my story would be slightly different now if I wrote it, but only slightly. After moving house (twice) last year I had to leave St George's behind and seek out CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) in Bedfordshire. After a nearly 6 month wait I got an appointment to see Amanda who I have been seeing regularly now since November.

I have found the CBT immensely rewarding if not hard work. I was pretty sceptical about it working at first but determined to give it a go. From working with Amanda I worked out that my mood swings and depression all stem from anxiety. I was able to accept that anxiety was the root of all my mental health issues. Yes, I'll always be someone who has mood swings and who feels things very strongly - lets just put that down to an artistic temperament (did I hear someone say diva?) Seriously though I have mood swings but they become very difficult to control when I am anxious and under stress.

I have found it impossible to relax for the last 15 years. Seriously, for 15 years I just could not switch off, I didn't want to even if I could have. I was terrified of letting go of my anxiety. Part of the problem was that I felt as if I had to be super vigilant at all times, vigilant for attack of some sort. It's like post traumatic stress disorder. I just kept re living the stressful times in my life and my body was programmed to be constantly on alert.

I was able to see a big chain which linked everything that was going on inside me together. The anxiety linked to negative thinking reinforcing the anxiety which caused physical symptoms which caused more anxiety which just exhausted me to the point of collapse and depression. I was worn through to the very bottom. I also accepted that outside factors had lead to me getting into this mess and how I dealt with them.

The CBT helps me challenge my feelings and responses to stress and anxiety and although it is hard going to begin with I have found it really works for me. I had to be ready for it, and if I hadn't approached it first through the creative writing therapy I wouldn't have had the success I have experienced now.

My anxiety and depression scores are getting back to normal (my depression score already is!)

It isn't just CBT and medication though, I have had to make real life style changes. I gave up work for a while and now run my own business where I can work part time and take as long as I have to to deliver work. (well within reason.) We've moved out of London and I travel a lot less now. We live somewhere with more space and peace which has really helped and I have a garden now to potter in which is fabulous.

As I have been doing so well and it is over 2 years since I went back on to anti depressants I have over the last 3 months weaned myself off them. It's not been easy as I have also given up caffeine during that time as well! I am beginning to feel the benefits and realities of being off the medication though over the last couple of weeks.

I have started to feel a lot more emotional. The antidepressants always have a kind of numbing affect on me. I tend to not feel bad feelings as strongly but neither do I feel good feelings strongly either. So now its like my banks have burst and I have been feeling all kinds of things lately. It's a bit like being a teenager again! Pretty scary for me at 37.

I've been feeling excited and filled with wonder at things like sunsets and cherry blossom. I've felt quite melancholy and dreamy on other days. Not in a bad way just feeling wistful and sad in a nostalgic kind of way. Maybe its also my hormones, maybe I'm going through a mid life crisis - I want to buy a pair of Doc Martins and be in a band. But importantly at least I want to do something, I want to feel things and I can feel stuff.

So its all a bit overwhelming but in a good way not in an anxious way. I have also found myself day dreaming, something I haven't done for ages, not for years and years. I always used to daydream an awful lot. You know the kind of thing world domination, being in a great band, travelling the world. I told you I feel like a teenager again! I have even written 2 poems today. One of which relates to mental health so I thought who cares, I'll put the rough unedited yet, version of it on my blog. So please be aware that I usually sit on a poem for at least a week until I edit it or discard it. But I haven't written anything resembling a poem for nearly a decade let alone 2 I had to share it! It's not good poetry but it is all my own and expresses how I feel right now and that it what counts. Just be thankful I didn't include the other one which goes on about battling stars and stuff.

Snow Ball Me

My life had become a Picasso painting

of sharp angled blades of weirdness
Elongated and drooling,

a life of nightmare creatures and pain.

"Let's dull the edges" my Drs said
"Lop off a few contorted limbs
Wipe clean the drooling lips.
You won't feel a thing."

I didn't; they set to work
And I was super frozen.
All the sharp quirky angles
Snapped away as brittle, broken.

I became Snow ball me.

As I spun inside my ice cocoon

century's passed, I was frost bitten

& stifled within an ice age within
A SSRI winter hibernation land.

Thaw was all I hung on for,
The time when I could let go
Slip from the cold with out fear
My nightmares deconstructed.

And at last it's here the ice is cracking
Spring is warming & I am emerging
A drenched & bedraggled Dragon fly

Escaping it's watery nest.

I glisten with new feelings
Tender with emotion, long frozen
I am heavy with love
Weightless with delight

I am one single point of feeling
All at once, over and over again
I am tiny yet I stretch on forever,
Fathomless.