Royal wedding & goodbye to Cornwall

It's almost a week since I came back from Cornwall, so here are a couple of pictures from the last day of the holiday. Above is a picture of the view form the garden again and some boats.

Below is photo of my Dad and me sitting outside the Edgecumbe Arms at Cremyll on a another lovely hot day.
Below is photo of the sunrise on the morning when we left. We set off around 6:30 and I took this picture at around 6:15 as the sun rose.
Today is the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. I'm not a fan of the Royals but I think like any British person, even staunch republicans, the Royal's are like the wall paper of this country. Love them or hate them you can't get away from them. I remember watching the wedding of Prince Charles and Princess Diana back in 81. I was 7 and drew a picture of the couple and stuck it in a scrap book which I still have.

So I am watching the wedding coverage on the telly this morning. In fact although I'm no royalist I've been having really vivid dreams about the Royal Wedding over the last few weeks. I hope they stop now! I can only imagine that I'm dreaming about the wedding so much because I'm getting married later this year. My wedding will be the antithesis of this Royal wedding. Just Jason, 2 witnesses, 2 guests and me. So 6 of us at our local registry office. We are getting married at the same time as Wills and Kate though at 11:00 am I thought the time would be handy for having lunch afterwards in the pub! And of course I have to say we got engaged and set our date before the Royals!

Four seasons in one day

We are having exceptionally warm and sunny weather at the moment in the UK. Here in Cornwall its gorgeous. The last 2 days there has been a lot of heat haze out to sea which has affected visibility for ships and photographers. As its a bit clearer today I took the photo above of Drake's island with Plymouth in the background.

Mount Edgecombe Country Park is beautiful but with the current weather and setting it feels quite surreal. You see this morning I was walking with my Mum through woodland bursting with bluebells I could have been in surrey except the sea was the back drop to the view and the temperature felt more like June, some trees were bare others in full leaf. It was like having 4 seasons all at once and all my favourite locations, woodland, the sea side, formal gardens. It is all just too splendid for words.
Above is a picture of me standing next to the bluebells with the sea in the background between the trees! Below are more bluebells. As well as bluebells the grounds have primroses, white bluebells, some of the camellia are still flowering and I even found a couple of simple single roses beginning to flower in the rose gardens. The smell of the bluebells and the cow parsley as you walk through the woods is sublime!
My Uncle and Aunt have now left for home so its just me and my parents now for one more day before we head back home on Saturday. If only I could take the view of the sea from my bedroom window here with me home! I am glad that I came down for a few days, I think some fresh sea air and walking was just what I needed after being unwell in March.

Rame Cornwall

I decided to make the most the wonderful weather we're having at the moment by joining my parents and Uncle and Aunt in Cornwall. My parents have rented a cottage for a week, in the Rame peninsular in Cornwall. The peninsular is south of Plymouth, jutting out from Plymouth sound. The cottage over looks Plymouth Sound and Drake's Island pictured above. The photo was taken from my bedroom window. I have the best views!

We are staying in Mount Edgecombe Country Park, which includes a stately home, formal gardens, woodland and deer park as well as the southwest coastal path and secluded beaches and rocky bays. They're the type of beaches you have to scramble down steep ground to reach. My Dad and uncle have been fishing from our nearest rocky beach. My uncle has had some success whilst my Dad has so far come up empty.

Today we walked to the twin villages of Kingsand and Cawsand which are a couple of miles along the coast. On the way we came across this lovely view of gorse bushes and Cawsand bay in the distance. Below is a picture of Kingsand beach. The shingly beaches were fairly busy with paddling children, kayakers and at Cawsands the ferry which picks up foot passengers and takes them to Plymouth. The ferry comes right on to the beach using a temporary boarding ramp.
Tomorrow I intend to explore the Mount Edgecombe country park gardens and park land. I'be already climbed one of the follies in the grounds.

Snow Ball Me

I've been talking to a few friends recently about mental health stuff and my blog and realised that I haven't written much about mental health on my blog in a long time. That's not to say stuff hasn't been happening as it certainly has.

Those of you new to my blog I started writing about my mental health experiences - that's a new way of putting it! ;-) - about 18 months ago when I had a real rough patch and had some time of work. I've had mental health issues over the last 15 years really on and off and up until 18 months ago only managed to get small amounts of help through medication and paying to see a therapist.

18 months ago I got referred to see a psychiatrist at South West London's St George's hospital and that really turned things round for me. I saw him regularly and attended a 13 week "telling my story" educational recovery course. That was life changing. I wrote a creative piece of writing about "my story" as a final aspect of the course which I put on my blog a year ago.

So much has happened since then its hard to believe that was only a year ago! Interestingly I think my story would be slightly different now if I wrote it, but only slightly. After moving house (twice) last year I had to leave St George's behind and seek out CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) in Bedfordshire. After a nearly 6 month wait I got an appointment to see Amanda who I have been seeing regularly now since November.

I have found the CBT immensely rewarding if not hard work. I was pretty sceptical about it working at first but determined to give it a go. From working with Amanda I worked out that my mood swings and depression all stem from anxiety. I was able to accept that anxiety was the root of all my mental health issues. Yes, I'll always be someone who has mood swings and who feels things very strongly - lets just put that down to an artistic temperament (did I hear someone say diva?) Seriously though I have mood swings but they become very difficult to control when I am anxious and under stress.

I have found it impossible to relax for the last 15 years. Seriously, for 15 years I just could not switch off, I didn't want to even if I could have. I was terrified of letting go of my anxiety. Part of the problem was that I felt as if I had to be super vigilant at all times, vigilant for attack of some sort. It's like post traumatic stress disorder. I just kept re living the stressful times in my life and my body was programmed to be constantly on alert.

I was able to see a big chain which linked everything that was going on inside me together. The anxiety linked to negative thinking reinforcing the anxiety which caused physical symptoms which caused more anxiety which just exhausted me to the point of collapse and depression. I was worn through to the very bottom. I also accepted that outside factors had lead to me getting into this mess and how I dealt with them.

The CBT helps me challenge my feelings and responses to stress and anxiety and although it is hard going to begin with I have found it really works for me. I had to be ready for it, and if I hadn't approached it first through the creative writing therapy I wouldn't have had the success I have experienced now.

My anxiety and depression scores are getting back to normal (my depression score already is!)

It isn't just CBT and medication though, I have had to make real life style changes. I gave up work for a while and now run my own business where I can work part time and take as long as I have to to deliver work. (well within reason.) We've moved out of London and I travel a lot less now. We live somewhere with more space and peace which has really helped and I have a garden now to potter in which is fabulous.

As I have been doing so well and it is over 2 years since I went back on to anti depressants I have over the last 3 months weaned myself off them. It's not been easy as I have also given up caffeine during that time as well! I am beginning to feel the benefits and realities of being off the medication though over the last couple of weeks.

I have started to feel a lot more emotional. The antidepressants always have a kind of numbing affect on me. I tend to not feel bad feelings as strongly but neither do I feel good feelings strongly either. So now its like my banks have burst and I have been feeling all kinds of things lately. It's a bit like being a teenager again! Pretty scary for me at 37.

I've been feeling excited and filled with wonder at things like sunsets and cherry blossom. I've felt quite melancholy and dreamy on other days. Not in a bad way just feeling wistful and sad in a nostalgic kind of way. Maybe its also my hormones, maybe I'm going through a mid life crisis - I want to buy a pair of Doc Martins and be in a band. But importantly at least I want to do something, I want to feel things and I can feel stuff.

So its all a bit overwhelming but in a good way not in an anxious way. I have also found myself day dreaming, something I haven't done for ages, not for years and years. I always used to daydream an awful lot. You know the kind of thing world domination, being in a great band, travelling the world. I told you I feel like a teenager again! I have even written 2 poems today. One of which relates to mental health so I thought who cares, I'll put the rough unedited yet, version of it on my blog. So please be aware that I usually sit on a poem for at least a week until I edit it or discard it. But I haven't written anything resembling a poem for nearly a decade let alone 2 I had to share it! It's not good poetry but it is all my own and expresses how I feel right now and that it what counts. Just be thankful I didn't include the other one which goes on about battling stars and stuff.

Snow Ball Me

My life had become a Picasso painting

of sharp angled blades of weirdness
Elongated and drooling,

a life of nightmare creatures and pain.

"Let's dull the edges" my Drs said
"Lop off a few contorted limbs
Wipe clean the drooling lips.
You won't feel a thing."

I didn't; they set to work
And I was super frozen.
All the sharp quirky angles
Snapped away as brittle, broken.

I became Snow ball me.

As I spun inside my ice cocoon

century's passed, I was frost bitten

& stifled within an ice age within
A SSRI winter hibernation land.

Thaw was all I hung on for,
The time when I could let go
Slip from the cold with out fear
My nightmares deconstructed.

And at last it's here the ice is cracking
Spring is warming & I am emerging
A drenched & bedraggled Dragon fly

Escaping it's watery nest.

I glisten with new feelings
Tender with emotion, long frozen
I am heavy with love
Weightless with delight

I am one single point of feeling
All at once, over and over again
I am tiny yet I stretch on forever,
Fathomless.

sakura

sakura, a photo by Happy Salmon on Flickr.

My new cherry tree has one blossom, one tiny White Sakura flower which is pictured above.

Rookie on the prowl

Rookie on the prowl, a photo by Happy Salmon on Flickr.

Rookie seems to really love my little green house. Here she is prowling around it. I have a glut of tomato plants at the moment some already in the greenhouse the others on the window sill. Anyone want a tomato plant or two? I've just started some chillies and peppers.

Happy Birthday Blog and Me!

Birthday Party

It's my birthday today - I'm just having a quiet day off at home today. Yesterday my parents and brother and nieces visited and we had a tea party to celebrate my nieces's Amelia and Antonia's birthdays and mine of course. It was just an added bonus that it was mother's day so I got to spend it with my Mum as well.

We had an eater egg hunt (a little early but its what they wanted), present opening, played tennis in the garden, blew up balloons and ate far too much! Great fun.

Below is a picture of the beautiful bronze sculpted hare my parents bought me and Jason (his birthday is later in the month.) I saw the sculpture when we were in Dorset on holiday it's by Paul Jenkins as part of the West Country's Frith Sculpture company. They had them in the National Trust shop at Corfe Castle - I hadn't realised that my parents has bought it for me though! Jason had the great idea of placing him half way up the stairs where he looks very happy.

Cheery Tree news

My cherry tree also arrived in time for my birthday - I'd ordered it a few weeks back. Below is a picture of it planted in the garden. Yes those are tights tying it to its small stake! Apparently tights are the best thing to use. We have got a proper big steak to use but we need to put that in the ground with it. I really hope the tree takes, I'll keep you posted on that front.

Dot Cotton moan about my health section

The last few weeks have been odd ones. I was very busy work wise and still not feeling well. Since fainting I've felt a bit rough for a lot of time. Just under the weather, feeling weak and dizzy quite a lot. I have to have another blood test this week as my last one showed low white blood count this time. I can't win, it's either high or too low!

Eye Surgery

I've also been booked in for an eye operation at the end of May to remove scar tissue in my left eye. The scar tissue is left over from the operations to remove cataracts when I was a baby but over the last 10 years the scar tissue has built up into a clump at the lower part of my eye. It seems to be causing me trouble with glare both in the day and at night (from headlamps etc.) as wel as just generally making my vision worse so I actually can't read as much on the eye chart and I've noticed that reading is more difficult for me.

So the operation will remove the scar tissue - its not going to improve my sight dramatically but should if successful make managing stairs and reading a little easier.

Lastly its just over 3 years since I started my blog so I need to wish my blog a very happy 3rd birthday!